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I’ve Just Been Appointed the New NFL Commissioner

Like most of our country, I have felt disgusted watching the news come out of the NFL recently. Men beating women. Men beating their kids. People looking the other way when it happens.

Instead of just sitting around complaining, I’ve decided to take action. Effective immediately, I’m appointing myself the new tcommissioner of the NFL. Here are a few of the things I’ll change starting right now:

1) I’m cutting my salary from the $44 million that Roger Goodell makes to $40,000. I will use the extra $43,960,000 to make sure that no one ever goes hungry in Winston Salem and that every homeless person and battered woman has a safe place to sleep at night. I still reserve the right to use the commissioner’s private jet to fly myself and my friends to cool places.

2) I’m instituting a new policy: If you hit a woman, even one time, you will never play another down in the NFL. We will pay for you to get counseling to learn why this is wrong and become a better person, but America will not be subjected to seeing you make $800,000 a week while sitting on the bench. I will also find the biggest, strongest, weightlifting woman in Russia and let her loose on you so you can see what it feels like to be the victim of domestic violence.

3)Another new policy: If you hit a child, ever, I will have you tied up, honey poured on you, and fire ants let loose on you. The only part of you that will not be covered in honey is your face. But on your head will be the jockstraps your teammates wore the previous Sunday. I will make this a pay per view event and use all the proceeds to fund programs that help stop violence against children.

By doing these simple things I hope to help prevent these young men from choosing the wrong path and realize that right now they are building the foundation on which the rest of their lives will stand. The decisions they make now not only affect what their own lives will be like, but also what kind of role models they’ll be for the younger generation. It’s time for them to start making better decisions, but we can’t expect them to do it without some serious help.

So, do I have your vote to be commissioner?

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